dancinginthetub

Its a big big world

So, worke up a little after 3 to a retweet/@ mention sounding on my phone, it kept going off, so I checked it. It was a retweet by a Nugget, RAD! Then, ya know, to help me fall back asleep I catch up on my twitter & facebook & see a tonnn of shit about Japan & its massive earthquake/tsunami. Now, any of you who actually know me, know that I do NOT ever follow news… so, for me this is crazy… but I go to CNN.com & read about it. Thinking, ‘wow’ I then go to youtube to see if there’s any of the news videos, which, there are. ….so… I watch a few. All I keep thinking about, is how surreal it is seeing all those tiny little boxes from the sky-view video. Then thinking about what those tiny boxes are… cars… trucks, boats…. factories, HOMES…. …people. now, I’m not a huge “fraidy cat” or apocalypse minded person… But, I cannot for the life of me imagine what I would do in a crisis like that. I mean, aside from the obvious, “oh my god, what the fuck” panicing… where would I be? Who would be with me? I mean… if I’m at work, would I have time to reach my son? My family? Say I’m at home with my family… water/mud/fire is everywhere & headed our way… evacuation… what would I think to grab? Would I grab useless shit because I’ve become so materialistic? Or would the ‘natural instincts’ kick in? Would I grab canned goods.. bottled water… blankets.. a flashlight. Would I be too forgetful & not remember to grab a can opener if I did grab canned foods, as this would be something I would forget on a normal day, let alone in chaos. Say it was ‘worst case scenario… end of the line. Would I die in a car? With my family? Would I be trapped somewhere? I cannot fathom what I would do. What would be racing through my mind. Hell, I can’t even sleep as I’m fucking thinking about this shit. Tears are streaming down my cheek as I listen to Aiden & Kyrt snore. I couldn’t be happier that my kiddo picked a good time to come sleep in Mommy & Daddy’s bed, because I know he’s safe. it makes me want to go back to sleep & wake up with a new-found appreciation for my friends, family & life, period. So as you’re reading this, know that I am greatful for you, whoever you may be… for listening.

Ahh, love.

That’s great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane -
Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn -
world serves its own needs, regardless of your own needs. Feed it up a knock,
speed, grunt no, strength no. Ladder structure clatter with fear of height,
down height. Wire in a fire, represent the seven games in a government for
hire and a combat site. Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the furies
breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered
crop. Look at that low plane! Fine then. Uh oh, overflow, population,
common group, but it’ll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its
own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the
reverent in the right - right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright
light, feeling pretty psyched.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
Six o’clock - TV hour. Don’t get caught in foreign tower. Slash and burn,
return, listen to yourself churn. Lock him in uniform and book burning,
blood letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate. Light a candle,
light a motive. Step down, step down. Watch a heel crush, crush. Uh oh,
this means no fear - cavalier. Renegade and steer clear! A tournament,
a tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives
and I decline.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide. Mount St. Edelite.
Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs.
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic,
slam, but neck, right? Right.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine…fine…
(It’s time I had some time alone)

Hahahaha.Jesus christ.literally.

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good friends…

Good friends are there for you… really get you, feel your pain with conviction, are there through all of the bullshit. They care without thinking.. or going out of their way. They have such a love for you that they don’t care what you have to say, or what you two talk about.. as long as you know they are listening.

It is so hard to find good, honest, caring, loving, open people like this anymore. And when you think you have it… You talk to these people.. about well… whatever is on your mind.. because you know they will listen, blindly.. with no hate and without being closeminded.

What sucks… is when these people are so damned good at acting that they put on such a farse for so many years that you spill your entire life to them. Everything. The good amazing experiences that make you beam with warmth and glow with love and elation. The hard times when you think you’re at the bottom of the well and you know no one else can lower that rope to release that feeling and lift you back up but them.. The silly stuff that no one else could even begin to understand… And the terrible things that only they can be trusted with.

What is even harder: Truely finding this in a real person…and keeping it.

There are so many people that wear the above mentioned mask..but will flee at a moments notice.. As soon as a better agenda arises. They do not keep your schedule. They live their lives..and tell you, verbatim.. “I just don’t give a shit anymore. No one actually wants to know about your life”. Shitty, huh.

But then…up through the ashes rises a beautiful phoenix. She comes through with all her gleaming reality. She shows you that she does care… Cares about you..what you have to say. Whatever you were thinking. No matter how exciting..or mundane. However childish or insane. She comes to support YOU. And everything YOU. And has for over 10 years strong.

I am so grateful for you. I love you more than words can say. You are true..genuine, loving, caring.. And real.

I’m glad you’ve stuck with me through thick and thin. <3

As you said.. “Our friendship runs blood thick”.. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I love you Summerdawn. Thank you so much for always staying with me..no matter what. You mean the world to me, even after all these years.

Thank you.

TITY.

I have the greatest conversations, ever.

Kaiti- you’re not getting birds!
Me- Your mom is not getting birds.
Kaiti- Haha my mom has a bird dumby! And you do too!
Me- No, I have no tattoos. & I have like 75 birds. Hhaha.
Kaiti- You have no arms.
Me- No, no arms.
Kaiti- You have 75 nothing.
Me- I have nothing nothing.
Kaiti- Whoa!
Me- I disappeared.
Kaiti- Uh oh! Good luck getting that foot tattoo then haha
Me- But, while I disappeared, my arms came back. Kaiti- And that will help your foot tattoo how?
Me- Very carefully.
Kaiti- Your foot will twitch like a mother fucker. It will suck. Lol
Me- Damn! How bad do motherfuckers twitch!?
Kaiti- Ummm well, probably like bitch ass dykes.
Me- Damn.

I often find myself worrying about so many things. Will I have enough money to pay my bills, will I ever be able to save money, why can’t I have money to take an actual vacation? Am I the best mom I can be, is Aiden getting the most of his childhood, are we going to be close when he grows up? Sometimes the uncertainty of the future frightens me… the thought that I will die living paycheck to paycheck, that when Aiden goes to school, that he will be the kid that everyone makes fun of, that I am missing out on life itself for my family.

But then again, I have got to remember that money is not everything. It cannot buy happiness. I am reminded this as my beautiful baby boy is serving me make believe coffee and hot chocolate in the bathtub, as he says, ” Hot chocolate? Sure, Mom! Coming right up!” With the biggest smile on his face as I pretend to drink it, he is absolutely delighted to see that his mommy is proud of his creation, even if they are bathtub beverages.

With that, I have come to a realization that, while, things can be hard at times, that there is always a sunny side to anything, and I have an amazing kiddo to show me the sun in everything.

Thank you, Aiden. I love you my little handsome man.